Depression (Trigger Sensitive Warning)
Just because I’m not sulking & crying every minute of every hour does not mean that I am not struggling. My anxiety and depression is always lurking on LOUD in the background or weighing on me to where I feel like I can't move. I find my safe space in the bathroom since with 8 people in the house it's the only room I can be private. I go to the shower and my thoughts overpower me and the tears flow freely. I sit on the edge of the tub wishing that there was some way that I had control over time.
If I’m around people for multiple days in a row, I get That feeling where I’m just exhausted by pretending that everything is ok. I need a day to reset. But that never comes because we live with another family to survive.
If I misplace or forget something, I’m completely overwhelmed to the point where it’s obsessive that I find it no matter how long it takes.
I can’t go to church or many restaurants because if it’s a quiet setting & Troy gets fussy, everyone stares at me and I can’t breathe. Sometimes even if it's loud I feel everyone is staring as he acts out. I get dizzy and need to rush home to breathe.
I can’t go to the store with Troy by myself because if someone tried to grab him, how would I protect him?
If I see everyone’s birth photos, I grieve the way that Troy was brought into the world and have PTSD from the whole ordeal. The needle going in over and over to try and numb be but never going in the right place. Fighting to be awake to even see him while he turned blue. Terror that he may not make it. Seeing him in a box breathing and eating through a tube. Not getting to hold him or feed him myself.
I see the memories pop up of my sweet baby who is just a toddler now & I grieve all the time that its gone in the blink of an eye.
I see the way my body looks now and try to remind myself of what extraordinary things it’s done but it’s so hard to look past that. I feel like an old hag that they make fun of comics with their boobs hanging down to their knees. Their giant legs that reimind me of old cheese. My face has even changed and i feel like ive aged years. It makes me wanna hide at home and not let anyone see me.
Everything is so different because there’s two people who depend on me and trying to find a balance that seems impossible when trying to still take care of myself. Usually that means i dont have the will to care for myself.
I lose my cool to where there’s been times that Troy has hid from me or cried becuase i yelled and it shatters my heart. I was never a yeller. I was always the calm and patient one.
I lose my cool with my husband because it's another person needing me to fulfill their needs in a day. Sometimes I feel if he asks me one more thing, I may lose my mind.
I don't even know him anymore. I don't feel like a wife, I feel like his chore. That I'm here and I take care of his child so he has to put up with me. Like we are roommates working together to take care of this child. That all our love goes into him and there is nothing left.
I've lost all passion. I dont even care about sex anymore. Because I feel to ugly and dirty all the time from keeping up to feel sexy.
He must feel the same because holidays that we use to care for each other he dosnt achnowledge. He doesn't acknowledge Valentines or Anniversary enough to take me to dinner or buy a card. It's just another day. Even though he knows how important they are to me.
Messages left not read. Calls not returned. Seeing people in Discord & turning off the computer becuase Im in a bad place. I really do feel bad but it's the only way to keep sane and keep on track. Compartmentalize and get to it when I'm not losing my shit. Than try again.
I can't keep up with everything. I'm trying to do things just to keep everything together, keep life going good. But it feels like Im lost in the process.
I feel like I'm Impeding on my best friend's life. She always seems irritated with me. Of caorse that may be just me I dont know. But I really have nowhere to go. I can't take Troy anywhere that he would be safe and protected. I can't afford to yet. I feel like I have to apologize for everything because it's not my home. I'm always constantly walking on eggshells trying not to leave something behind that will upset someone. Cleaning up so that it looks better than I left it at all times so they won't just be done and kick us out. I can't even change because my room is a common room that everyone walks into. I can't get away from people at any time and so I never get to reset.There’s times where I try to go hide somewhere just so it can be silent for a few moments. Usually under the covers of my bed. Or in the car.
I hate the way that my anxiety and depression make me feel. I feel like I have no control. I feel like I have to be silent so as to not worry my friends, family & especially my husband. I worry enough about everyone else, I don’t want to be the cause of someone’s worries. I feel like time goes faster and faster the more that I struggle & I’m missing all these moments with Troy & Justin. I feel like driving in circles some days fust for silence. I feel like punching a wall and screaming. I feel like sleeping to get away from it all. I'm afraid of medication for it because last time I was a zombie and didn't even know what was going on half the time. I couldn't live. I'm so sensitive to medicine. I finally got the gumption to set up an appointment and now we are in between insurance. I don't know if I'll have the courage again or how long it will take to push myself to do it.
I hate the way I feel especially because I know so many other mothers would love to have their children here on earth or more children to their family or whatever the case may be and how dare I feel this way. I hate that my mind plays tricks on me and makes me believe that because of the way I feel, it’s telling me “see, that’s why that's why you couldnt have babies. You're not good enough to appreciate them. Are you happy now?”
I type this and open up about my struggles. I want to puke.
Just remember friends. Just because people seem okay in person or on social media, that’s not always the case. I’ve come a ways from the beginning but it is still a constant struggle. It’s hard. It’s embarrassing (to me). It sometimes takes a lot to open up about it & ask for help as a new mother when you feel like instincts are supposed to kick in because that’s how nature intended it & when it doesn’t work out that way with either pregnancy, birth or being a mom- it’s freaking hard.
I start my prosac today. I have a ways to go to get back to having it under control but this year has been the hardest becuase of post pregnancy cold weather than covid right after. It did help to have my online community thats what kept me a flout. But I cant depend on that anymore and its gotten worse. I am saying all this in hopes that someone else out there struggling will get help like I am right now. Your not alone.